This Just Got Real

Sometimes, the best thing you can do is discover the root of the problem and for me, finding out why I eat so flipping much hasn't been easy. I've done talk therapy and I've tried a lot of self-analysis, but through it all I just thought that I was fat because I liked to eat. Because I do.

I also eat when I'm trying to stuff my feelings as far down inside me as I can get them. The thing about stuffing your feelings down below food so much is that it's kind of like a pipe bomb, and eventually you're going to blow. Your physical or mental health will go and it may not happen all at once, but it will happen. It hasn't happened to me yet, but that's why I'm slowly un-stuffing myself one piece of emotional baggage at a time.

So, now it's time to unpack one of my carry-on bags because I'm not ready to get into the checked bags yet. I'm heartbroken. I eat because I am so freaking sad that I can't even cry about it. Have you ever felt that way? I'm heartbroken for a few reasons, and some caused bigger breaks than others. I'm heartbroken that my mother died and there was nothing I could do about it. I'm heartbroken that someone I loved more than myself didn't love me back. I'm heartbroken that I made choices that disappointed the people I love and that no matter what I do now, those people can't seem to see who I am now. And the thing is, I'm heartbroken over a hell of a lot I cannot change.

Drug addicts and alcoholics often use the Serenity Prayer both in treatment and after. I am neither, but I am a food addict and learning to let go of the things I cannot change is the only way I am ever going to stop being a person I don't like when I look in the mirror.