When I stepped on the scale last year and saw I weighed over 450 pounds, I didn't know what to think. I felt a lot - shame, embarrassment, anger, resentment, frustration, and sadness. Then, I was diagnosed with Diabetes Type II in September, and I knew I had to take action.
Then, came the fear. Sure, there was fear that I would fail or worse, gain all the weight back. But there was also a different kind of fear there - the fear of success.
Why would I be afraid of successfully losing over 300 pounds? Well, vanity plays a big part in my answer. I'm not sure what number is the magic number where you can gain weight, lose that weight and still look "normal", but I passed that number a long time ago.
Now, as the weight comes off, my skin sags and I get skin infections where the skin-on-skin contact creates friction and irritation. I have bat wings under my arms that will shrink, but not go away without surgical intervention. And there is the possibility that the more weight loss success I have, the more dissatisfied I will be with my appearance.
It might seem like I'm focusing on the wrong things or being overly negative, but I'm not. I'm facing what has held me back before and trying to come to terms with it. I'm morbidly obese. I am an emotional eater with a food addiction. I have to lose weight or I'm going to eventually die from the side effects of being so fat.
There's no magic solution here. There's no magic surgery, no magic pill, and the results when I finally lose that last pound will not be magical.
It's about hard work. It's about facing reality. It’s about one pound at a time and celebrating my successes no matter how small they might be.
I am severely overweight and I didn't get this way overnight, so I'm not going to lose it overnight. I've gained so much weight that I've physically changed my body forever. And you know what? That sucks.
But it's not impossible. It's not the end. It's just the beginning...